I feel like I'm running a marathon. Most of the people I know are out of college already, but I'm still slogging through my last week of classes and then Finals Week. After that..Summer. Summer doesn't exactly ring the bell of freedom for me though this year. I'm taking summer classes; 14 credits to be exact. So I'll be at school all summer along until, well, school starts. But I try not to complain too much. I'm doing it for a very good reason (Like for the love of my life).
This is just about these final weeks wrapping up Spring 2009. So many projects and papers and tests to worry and stress about with the ever-present 'You're Almost Done!' type posters all over campus. That's why I feel like I'm running a marathon. I'm almost to the end and then there is this huge crowd of people offering phrases of encouragement. So much so that they begin to lose their meaning. Yea I'm running and I'm running hard but 'Hang In There' doesn't really mean much if you aren't beside me, gasping for the finish line.
I've had to constantly fight anxiety and depression these few weeks in order to stay focused and stay on top of things. Wrapping up a semester can be just about as much of a hassle as starting the next one. That's why I'm glad that I have a daily relationship with God because He is a lot of things in this metaphor. Not only is he running by my side and pushing me forward when I want to collapse and pass out but he is also like the water that people hold out for the passing runners. Energy, refreshment, the push forward.
I'm also glad for the person that I am doing this for. My beautiful girlfriend Rachel. She is like my second wind. She has had her summer taken away from her as well and she struggles just as much if not more than I do through the school year. I am immensely thankful for her and I appreciate her more than she knows. Together the three of us can make it, running for the finish line that still seems oh so far away.
Ever notice those stretches in your life when you're just 'cruising'? You live day to day and go to school or work and interact with people and you live by the guidelines the Great One has set for you (or try to at least). I've been in that kind of mood lately. I go to all my classes, try to keep up with homework and projects and each day just becomes duller than the last. All routine and you could literally do it in your sleep (I have). As I've tried to strive to make my day different and break up the routine, I began to wonder how these kind of stretches affected my spiritual life. I was slightly alarmed at how blatantly unfeeling my prayers had been during the day. I prayed and caught myself using the same phrases and pretty much the exact some speech each time I was praying about something that I prayed about before.
I was on Autopilot.
I have made it a good habit to spend time with God before I go to sleep each night, and just last night as I was reading, I detected something. It was a sense of urgency. I was rushing myself. To do what? To go to sleep? I could feel something inside of me that just said, "Alright let's get this over with" and I abhorred it. Immediately I tackled my devotions from the beginning and looked back at how long this had been going on. Throughout my day I found that I would be saying quick prayers and communicating with Him but that they had no heart, no passion. I had encountered a comfort zone and I hadn't even realized that I was beginning to make a living there. God wants us to always draw ever closer to Him, to break out of our comfort zones and show Him that we care and that we are willing to come closer. I'm glad that I caught myself in Autopilot before it began to really affect the time that I set aside for God. After some fervent prayer I found that I could connect with Him again, that I wasn't just saying things verbatim and that I again spoke to Him with passion. The Comfort Zone is a trap that can unexpectedly send a lot of us into Autopilot.
Have you been on Autopilot?
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Well hello there Xanga world. I'm just starting out here at the repeated prods from my girlfriend, so perhaps soon I will start putting up some writings for you all to enjoy and make many comments on.
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